Change is integral to being alive, yet something we often don’t perceive realistically. I find it interesting that everything is changing all of the time yet, I seem to have some hardwired expectation that certain things will remain the same. Nothing stays the same ever, except ironically, the fact that everything is always changing. It is a theme that I have returned to again and again, usually in times of abrupt or unwanted change when I am locked in some kind of desperate and pointless struggle to keep things as they were or simply feeling unsettled by uncertainty.
I like the idea of shifts and flow. I like the idea that nothing is certain and very little is ever solid. I like the concept of impermanence. It makes life interesting, it leaves room for growth and flexibility, for spontaneity, challenge and and fun. An unpredictable dance of great beauty orchestrated through time by random occurrence and forces we do not understand? I like a bit of mystery. There is relief in giving up the struggle and attempts to control. It is in the capitulation that I feel stillness and joy, often only momentarily, but enough to know acceptance is key. It is in surrender that trust is weirdly rewarded and things fall into place more perfectly than I could ever contrive often in beautiful or hilarious ways? Interesting that knowing this, I often find myself locked in some pretty epic and colorful battles with change? Why? Change is not a good enemy. Ultimately, it will always win. Far better to be on the same side? Interesting to examine? I think the answer lies pretty deep and I think it is linked to perception of safety. A mistaken sense that solid equals safe?
Change often leaves me feeling destabilized and disorientated, confused with a sense that I am falling and there is nothing to grab onto. These feelings can be pretty intense and unpleasant leading to a lifelong habit of avoiding them in one way or another. All sorts of fascinating technicolor attempts to create a sense of security by knowing the rules and being able to predict the play? Makes sense except it isn’t possible and really, it isn’t what I want? I would likely die of boredom or annoyance in a ridiculous self created world where I could always predict the day and everyone wore yellow polka dots, ate cherry ripes for breakfast and did exactly what I wanted?
I think the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodren is right, the answers lie in going to the places that scare you. Suffering mostly comes from the fear and avoidance tactics that surround difficult circumstances and feelings rather than the events or feelings themselves. Avoidance is the desperate birthplace of addiction and it doesn’t really matter which one you choose because they all make things worse. Some are slow and insidious, hidden in the shadows, sanctioned by society and self delusion while others are quick and dirty. Savage tornados of highly visible, self destructive carnage that engulf anything good as they hurtle chaotically into the darkness leaving deep scars of despair and suffering in their wake. Good to to know that accepting change and finding ways to sit with the uncomfortable is the road to a more peaceful existence? Much harder to actually do. I think it is a life’s work and I think non-judgmental self kindness helps enormously. Knowing yourself, recognizing unease and discomfort, seeing unhelpful tactics and finding new ways, deepening capacity, taking care of the basics, building authentic connection with life, with yourself and with others. Ultimately, I think peace comes in developing the courage to trust, to touch, and feel your part in the ethereal rhythm of life.
There is a lot of big changes happening for me at the moment. The hardest has been saying goodbye to my incredible Dad a few month ago in February 2024. Adjusting to the reality that he has physically gone and I will never kiss him goodbye, hold his hand or hear his laugh again. Allowing myself to feel the sadness. Learning to experience his love now as feelings and memories. Looking within to find and acknowledge the mark he left as my Dad. So many wonderful things about him. Humor, a love of the ridiculous, a love of cooking and food, of dogs, of birds, of lamb shanks, mangoes and flowers, a love of nature, of camping and adventure, of history and family, generosity, humor, depth, expressive eyes, irreverence, complete disregard for safety, kindness, persistence, endurance, hard work and strength.
So many things he taught me over so many years but a few stand out. The value of love and kindness. The value of humor and a mindset that if you put your mind to it anything is possible. I realize how incredibly fortunate I was to have experienced a close relationship with Dad my entire life. He was proud of me and proud of my daughter and he made sure we knew it. Dad’s love could be felt as a tangible thing. We had a strong connection. Memories trigger with the sound of a motorbike or chainsaw and smells of tobacco, mulga trees, freshly mowed grass, diesel, beer, flowers, fried onions and smoke. I am very sad but also very grateful and know it will take time to make sense of my feelings.
Another huge change has been in process over the last few months following our purchase of 100 acres of forest and wetland at Meerup in the far South West corner of Western Australia. A permanent move to live in a rustic shack surrounded by nature. As part of the process the big Roleystone house is being sold, my Sea Container house is being packed up and I am reducing my possessions to the bare essentials with obvious exceptions involving camera gear, books, a teapot collection, good linen sheets and warm feather jackets. Interesting how I spent the last decade accumulating things I don’t really need and now am busy freeing myself from the complication. There has been a lot to sort out and finalize but it is finally starting to feel like the end is in sight. Impossible to move forward without letting go of the past. Chaotic and unsettling and at the same time liberating and exciting!
Encircling the geographical shift are a whole suite of lesser changes. I am very lucky to be able to work remotely from the forest with Starlink internet so sitting in a suburban office will soon be in the past. My new office is tiny, actually a kids cubby mounted on a an old trailer so it can be moved about the property when I feel like a change of view. There have been changes to many other situations over the past few years. My daughter was recently married to a wonderful man, has finished her PhD and started working in her field of medical science. The Balannup Road property that was Mum and Dad’s home for nearly 30 years has been sold. Mum is now settled in her new house and has made it a beautiful home full of life with an amazing garden and new friends next door. There have been deeper changes within me, to my body, mind and spirit. A strong need to slow things down, to consolidate and heal from the dramas and chaos of the last few years, live simply, prioritize solitude and spend my time with the people I love, doing the things I love. Connecting with myself, connecting with others, exploring the landscape, photography and writing, growing veggies, reading, watercolor painting, cooking with fire, studying nature and science and finishing the little shack that will be home. It will take time to settle into the new place. It will take time to understand how all these changes will land and time to fall in love with my new surroundings.
I feel extremely grateful to have choice and the chance to develop a lifestyle that is deeply connected to the earth and nature and healthier in many aspects. I am 52 years old this year. A good time to change direction. I have chosen to take a fork in the road! An overgrown, disused track that leads away from the fast and busy chaotic highway to the first pages in a new chapter! I am taking my favorite floral bandanna and a good supply of cherry ripes and turkish delights for luck!
As part of the shift in life I have made a start on upgrading my website in preparation for a greater focus on photography and writing. This is the first website journal entry in many years, however I am intending to post in depth articles more regularly. Updates on life in the new place, progress on shack building and veggie gardens, field trip reports, information on photography gear and processing software and notes on the process behind my favorite images. There will be articles on the Meerup landscape and the plants and animals that live there. Details of my photographic expeditions into the misty forest, up rugged coastal cliffs, along white sandy beaches, diving into the cold southern ocean and exploring intriguing wetlands full of diversity. A brave new world!
